Between fighting for services, paperwork, intense meltdowns, therapy appointments, school IEP meetings, meals, housework and taking care of our kids, that doesn't leave much time for parents to just be themselves or enjoy the things we once did. Taking 15-20 minutes each day for yourself can improve your patience and your parenting abilities.
Special needs parents need more self care and breaks away from our children than other parents, yet it is the hardest for us to find the time or be able to achieve because we trust a very small amount of people in our lives to care for our children. It is hard to trust others to provide the care for our children that we do and when it is bedtime we are absolutely burned out and exhausted.
Several years ago, I felt like I had hit parental rock bottom. I crashed and burned. I had absolutely nothing left to give. I had another special needs mom tell me something that has always stayed with me, and I am unsure if you have ever heard about it, so I wanted to share. She told me to think of special needs parenting as if I were in a plane that was going down. When a plane is going down, the masks drop down, the flight attendant tells you that you have to put your mask on before you help anyone else. Special needs parenting is the same. You need to put your mask on first or you can't help anyone else.
When it comes to parenting a child who has Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), Autism, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) or any other special needs it is essential to take care of us first. We truly cannot serve from an empty vessel. You are like a car, and you can only run on empty for so long. You deserve premium fuel!
You were you before you had children. YOU still need to be YOU sometimes! I cannot always be Mom because I have needs and wants too. You do too! It is not selfish, it's crucial that you do this for yourself and for your children too. Self-care does not mean that you are choosing yourself over someone you love, it means you are choosing to love yourself and are being mindful to your own needs and wants.
We have to fill our own cup because if we keep giving and doing then there's nothing else to give to ourselves. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Each day make small goals to do things for yourself to keep filling up your cup. The more you fill your cup, the happier you and your children will be. Self-care doesn't always require a babysitter or a lot of time. Self-care can be ten minutes to read some of the novel you have been avoiding or twenty minutes to shave your legs.
Self-care is going to look different for us all because some parents have access to respite services so they're able to get some alone time, some parents have family who help watch their children to give them breaks but some parents are single parents with no outside help for their child so their self-care will look different. Remember to always do what works for your family and what will make you happy as a parent.
Do not ever allow anyone to make you believe that you can't or shouldn't do things for yourself because you are a parent. You have to make yourself a priority too. All jobs have rewards. When someone is working at a full-time job, they are paid. This is your job. This is your payment to yourself.
I know firsthand that doing the things you love and enjoy most can be very difficult because as a special needs parent we have so many other responsibilities that we put everything and everyone else before ourselves. It can take a lot of discipline to do the things we love but it should always be a priority. We are always occupied making sure that our children are happy and living positive lives full of opportunities as other children in the community that we often neglect ourselves. Doing more of the things we love and enjoy will help us reset, recharge and ultimately make us happier, balanced and relaxed which then helps us parent better with more patience.
Some special needs parents have neglected their self-care and themselves for so long that they're reading this and asking themselves, what do I love? What do I enjoy doing? What are activities that I could do each day to bring myself more happiness? What will help me reset and recharge? You are not the only one who is thinking this and that is why it is so important for you to read this. I am so grateful that you stumbled upon this reminder to yourself. A visual list can help us to determine what our self-care will look like and what we need to recharge. Make a list for yourself.
I recently seen a meme on Facebook and it said something like " You don't forget to charge your cell phone and then panic when it is on empty and run quickly to plug it in so why don't you do that for yourself?" That's relatable right? You are a parent, an advocate and a fierce protector. You have to keep your battery charged to keep fighting the fight. That takes unbelievable strength. You need to keep your battery charged too.
Seeking support online or within your own community is so important for yourself care. Finding other parents who are struggling and experiencing what you are each day with your children will help you so much on your journey. There's no better feeling as a special needs parent than finding a friend who "gets it". Those parents that you will find, they will become your tribe. They will cheer you and your child on when you accomplish goals, and they will celebrate your success. They can advise you on your current struggles as a parent, ease your anxieties, give you suggestions to help you and your child along the way. You will make friendships that will last a lifetime. You will feel validated, connected and supported.
I know between your child's busy therapy schedule and those extracurricular activities that things can get extremely busy and overwhelming, but it is okay to seek therapy for yourself too. Sometimes, speaking to a professional allows us to talk about it, cry and feel heard. It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to have your own therapist. You are going through a lot. We all need to be heard. They will help you find ways to ease your anxieties, give you a safe place to talk or cry. A professional therapist could be your own personal cheerleader that would coach you along the way when you're struggling most.
Reach out for community support and respite services. There can be waiting lists for respite but if things are getting too overwhelming for you, they can generally give you some type of relief to start, even if it is just for a few hours at a time. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Some families are extremely blessed to have a family full of support and family members who are willing to babysit to give parents a break.
Ask a close friend that you trust. Let those who are in your life know how you are feeling because sometimes they don't know or understand. Getting a break away for one night a month or only a few hours every couple weeks can really make a difference. Every special needs parent will be faced with different challenges each day, some harder than others and what we all require for a break will be different.
If you are not getting a break, then respite services could be a very beneficial program for your family. I know you may feel like you have to do this all alone by yourself or it is your responsibility, but it is okay to ask for help when you need it. That is why these services are available. Don't feel guilty for needing a break. You have worked very hard and deserve a break. I have had access to respite services in the past and it was honestly the best thing that I ever did for myself and my daughter. She was taken care of by an experienced trained professional. They would take her out in our community to do fun activities. I got to have time to myself which made me feel ready and replenished to start a new week.
Taking care of a child who has special needs can be difficult for your relationships and can often put a strain on your marriage. Taking a break together as a couple could be exactly what you both need to recharge and work better together. A break together could just be a night away to have a dinner together, catch up on some much-needed sleep or breakfast in bed. Taking a break together can help you connect and be on the same page.
There are serious consequences to parental burn out when raising special needs children. Parental burn out can put parents at risk due to the high stress environment and lead to serious health issues. When was the last time you went out on a date night for dinner or met up with your friends for a movie?
I wanted to write this because I see the struggle that parents post each day. I feel it in their words. I have been there. I was a single Mom with two special needs children. I was so burned out that I felt like I couldn't go on another day. I failed to take care of myself.
Your child needs you. You need to take care of yourself too. They say "it takes a village to raise a child" and they're right. Lean on those around you and take advantage of services that are offered in your community.
Be kind and forgiving to yourself. Remember to stay hydrated and get enough exercise.
It is time to love yourself too. It is time that you recharge and reset.
